I must confess.

Accidentally, I browse through an interesting post in a blog.

The way she tells about her love story is awesome and creative.

If u don’t finish reading that, u would have thought that she is going to end a relationship. 

Speaking to her own perspective and the feelings to the relationship, I got the same feelings as her.

Her post, make me reminisce on my previous relationship with him.

Been through an almost 7 years relationship and I failed.

I used to be like her, thought that love is the only thing keep me survive, but I was wrong that time.

I fall in love in the age of 16 and I have to maintain a long distance kind of relationship which it is not supposed to be in my young age.

But, it just happened.

Friends, cousins even my relatives applause on our well running of relationship, that time, we were just went into 4^th year and I already study in KL he is just in another place.

Last time, I was naïve enough to tell him that let’s get marry if we still last till my age of 21.

That time, he was not making any promise.

So we keep moving on.

We both just look great in everything, ppl thought we will just get married once I finished my study. Especially, him.

But, they were wrong and we were wrong.

I started to feel smtg went wrong between us when we already in our 4^th year of relationship.

Somehow, things just went drastically without our knowledge. I lost that passion. My heart was just yelling at me u sure u love him? 

  

I always got the feeling like we been through 4 years d, why I feel like we were just good friend more than a couple?!!! I even think that I don’t deserve to have such good bf.

This actually scared me out of the shit as I not supposed to have such thinking!!! So, I grasped a ticket, rush to his side.  I found that feeling back. The feeling of we are in love with each other.

But I started questioned u whether u love me or not? Because I barely feel we were just friend. I can’t feel his love.

Of course he said yes. 

I started to ask for a break in every year. He still managed to catch me back and I believe maybe it just my silly and emo action or maybe I being too childish on talking about the break. I told him that somehow I felt he is not the guy I want and he just smile.

So, everything looks going well. We came to more than 6 years in our relationship but the same thing keeps repeating.

Finally, one day when he was telling that he hope we can settle down once I finished my study.

To be honest, I started to feel scared. The feeling of we are just friend, u are not the one that I wanted to spend my next 50 years with came into my mind again but I just leave it.

However, this actually tortured me for months and years.

At last, I came into my mind. I wasn’t childish, I wasn’t emo. The deep down of myself see through the real of me.

I was just running away from the truth. I don’t have the courage to face the truth. I always thought I must keep this relationship last longer enough because everybody is looking forward to see our happy ending. I shouldn’t leave him as we already in so many years of relationship.

I questioned the definition of love.

I love him and I love myself too. So I decided to say out my decision. That time he was busy to settle the details of buying a house.

He accepted.

But he was not really accepted, he still planned to get me back and he failed.

I cried for 2 days. I relieved. Never expect to have such feelings.

Relieved as in like I am free now!!! Not the feeling of relieving from being miserable in the relationship.

He is a good guy. He takes care of me very well. I sincerely appreciate what he has done for me.

But, I don’t want to cheat him and also to myself.

After asking for the break, friends don’t understand me even my family members.

Everybody can’t accept this. Ppl criticize on my foolish decision. Probably I disguise myself too well till nobody aware of my nonsense thought. So when they was told about the decision. They were shocked and unbelievable. 

Something terrible happened (I really wanted to say wtf for this matter) and make him mistaken my intention of asking the break, I explained and he doesn’t buy it. We both in a bad shaped.

I tired of explaining. I frustrated. I shouted. I yelled.

No point. He doesn’t buy it. So, I don’t give a damn anymore.

We are not friend, not in contact neither in Fb or MSN. 

I refuse succumb to rumors. I believe in myself, holding my ground.

Ppl even think this is too fast for me to start a new relationship. I need a new starting over and I just start in a different way.

The days, the hours, the minutes and the seconds are long enough for me to clear the mess emotion after the break. I don’t need couple of years (for this relationship) and I just in a sense of facing it rather than running away from it so I able to make through this hard time. In fact, I surprised too. Probably, I already prepared for it and it’s just that I don’t aware of it. I could tell that, I am firm for this.

It's been a period of time after the break. I truly hope that he is doing fine and I am sorry because I hurt someone that loves me. I am really sorry.

I thought I not gonna talk about this anymore but her post does bring back those flashback of the yesteryear. 

I feel like I'm writing a goofy post here and I just feel like doing it, wtf !!!

That's it. I done with it.