Accidentally, I
browse through an interesting post in a blog.
The way she
tells about her love story is awesome and creative.
If u don’t
finish reading that, u would have thought that she is going to end a
relationship.
Speaking to
her own perspective and the feelings to the relationship, I got the same
feelings as her.
Her post,
make me reminisce on my previous relationship with him.
Been through
an almost 7 years relationship and I failed.
I used to be
like her, thought that love is the only thing keep me survive, but I was wrong
that time.
I fall in
love in the age of 16 and I have to maintain a long distance kind of relationship which it
is not supposed to be in my young age.
But, it just
happened.
Friends,
cousins even my relatives applause on our well running of relationship, that
time, we were just went into 4th year and I already study in KL he
is just in another place.
Last time, I
was naïve enough to tell him that let’s
get marry if we still last till my age of 21.
That time, he
was not making any promise.
So we keep
moving on.
We both just
look great in everything, ppl thought we will just get married once I finished
my study. Especially, him.
But, they were
wrong and we were wrong.
I started to
feel smtg went wrong between us when we already in our 4th year of relationship.
Somehow,
things just went drastically without our knowledge. I lost that passion. My
heart was just yelling at me u sure u
love him?
I always got the feeling like we been through 4 years d, why I
feel like we were just good friend more than a couple?!!! I even think that I
don’t deserve to have such good bf.
This actually
scared me out of the shit as I not supposed to have such thinking!!! So, I grasped
a ticket, rush to his side. I found that
feeling back. The feeling of we are in love with each other.
But I started
questioned u whether u love me or not? Because I barely feel we were just
friend. I can’t feel his love.
Of course he
said yes.
I started to
ask for a break in every year. He still managed to catch me back and I believe
maybe it just my silly and emo action or maybe I being too childish on talking about the
break. I told him that somehow I felt he is not the guy I want and he just
smile.
So,
everything looks going well. We came to more than 6 years in our relationship
but the same thing keeps repeating.
Finally, one
day when he was telling that he hope we can settle down once I finished my
study.
To be honest,
I started to feel scared. The feeling of we
are just friend, u are not the one that I wanted to spend my next 50 years with
came into my mind again but I just leave it.
However, this
actually tortured me for months and years.
At last, I came
into my mind. I wasn’t childish, I wasn’t emo. The deep down of myself see
through the real of me.
I was just
running away from the truth. I don’t have the courage to face the truth. I
always thought I must keep this relationship last longer enough because
everybody is looking forward to see our happy ending. I shouldn’t leave him as
we already in so many years of relationship.
I questioned
the definition of love.
I love him
and I love myself too. So I decided to say out my decision. That time he was
busy to settle the details of buying a house.
He accepted.
But he was
not really accepted, he still planned to get me back and he failed.
I cried for 2
days. I relieved. Never expect to have such feelings.
Relieved as
in like I am free now!!! Not the feeling of relieving from being miserable in the
relationship.
He is a good
guy. He takes care of me very well. I sincerely appreciate what he has done for
me.
But, I don’t
want to cheat him and also to myself.
After asking
for the break, friends don’t understand me even my family members.
Everybody can’t
accept this. Ppl criticize on my foolish decision. Probably I disguise myself
too well till nobody aware of my nonsense thought. So when they was told about
the decision. They were shocked and unbelievable.
Something terrible
happened (I really wanted to say wtf for this matter) and make him mistaken my intention of asking the break, I explained and he doesn’t buy it. We both
in a bad shaped.
I tired of
explaining. I frustrated. I shouted. I yelled.
No point. He doesn’t
buy it. So, I don’t give a damn anymore.
We are not
friend, not in contact neither in Fb or MSN.
I refuse
succumb to rumors. I believe in myself, holding my ground.
Ppl even
think this is too fast for me to start a new relationship. I need a new
starting over and I just start in a different way.
The days, the
hours, the minutes and the seconds are long enough for me to clear the mess
emotion after the break. I don’t need couple of years (for this relationship) and I
just in a sense of facing it rather than running away from it so I able to make
through this hard time. In fact, I surprised too. Probably, I already prepared
for it and it’s just that I don’t aware of it. I could tell that, I am firm for
this.
It's been a period of time after the break. I truly hope that he is doing fine and I am sorry because I hurt someone that loves me. I am really sorry.
I thought I not gonna talk about this anymore but her post does bring back those flashback of the yesteryear.
I feel like I'm writing a goofy post here and I just feel like doing it, wtf !!!
That's it. I done with it.
